Why Trauma Dumping Happens And How To Stop It When You Really Like Someone
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Ever walked away from a date thinking… why did I say all of that? 🤦♀️
If you have ever liked someone so much that your mouth started moving faster than your brain, you are not alone. I have been there. My clients have been there. Basically every woman with an activated attachment system has been there. There is something about liking someone that flips a switch inside us. Suddenly we’re revealing childhood stories we haven’t even told our best friend. And afterward we melt into a puddle of regret and wonder why we overshared the whole trilogy of our life. So let’s talk about why this happens and what you can do to slow it down without losing the magic of real connection.
Understanding Trauma Dumping When Your Attachment System Lights Up
Trauma dumping is not you being dramatic. It is not you trying to be intense or overly vulnerable. It is an attachment response. When you really like someone, your attachment system wakes up and starts scanning for safety. Researcher John Bowlby described attachment as a biological survival system, and that system does not clock out just because you are on a cute date with someone who smells good. If your early experiences taught your brain to expect unpredictability or inconsistency, connection can feel risky. Trauma dumping becomes a quick way to secure closeness. It is your nervous system trying to guarantee that this person really sees you and won’t disappear.
Why Your Brain Thinks Oversharing Equals Safety
This part is wild, but it makes so much sense. The brain loves shortcuts. Especially under emotional pressure. Oversharing becomes the shortcut to intimacy because it creates a fast illusion of closeness. According to polyvagal theory, when your nervous system feels unsafe, it tries to move back into connection as quickly as possible. Talking becomes the tool. Not small talk. Big talk. Deep talk. The kind of talk that belongs in chapter thirteen of your memoir, not the first forty minutes of meeting someone. Trauma dumping is the nervous system saying… if I share everything right now, maybe I can relax. And honestly, on a biological level, that strategy once worked. That is why you keep doing it.
What It Actually Feels Like When You Practice Slowing Down
Let’s be real. Slowing down feels awkward at first. It feels like holding a yoga pose that your thighs are not happy about. It feels sticky. It feels like silence is chasing you. When I coach women through this, they often say the same thing… I can feel the urge to fill the space. That urge is the activation. And the moment you notice it, something powerful happens. You get a tiny window of choice. Instead of oversharing, you get to breathe. You get to pause. You get to stay with yourself for a minute instead of scrambling for external reassurance. It feels wobbly at first, but then it starts to feel grounding… almost like your nervous system finally gets the memo that the world will not end if you take a breath.
The Beautiful Benefits Of Sharing At A Healthy Pace
Once you practice slowing down, something shifts. You start to feel more confident because you are no longer talking from panic. You begin sharing from a grounded, centered place. You feel safer in your own body which means you do not rely on someone else to create the safety for you. That is the real magic. Relationships feel lighter. Conversations feel more natural. You are not waking up the next morning with a vulnerability hangover that could take out a small village. And the people you connect with get to experience you in the present moment, not your fear speaking on your behalf. Secure pacing builds real trust, and real trust builds the kind of relationships you actually want.
Try Slowing Down And See What Happens Next 💛
So the next time you like someone and feel the urge to spill your entire life story, take a breath. Put a hand on your heart if you need to. Notice the urge without obeying it. Let connection unfold at a pace your nervous system can actually handle. I promise… the version of you who shares slowly, intentionally, and with confidence feels absolutely incredible. Try it and see what shifts. You might be surprised by how good it feels to stay with yourself in the moments you used to lose yourself.
