The Truth About Self-Sabotage (It’s Not What You Think)
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Have you ever laid in bed at night thinking, “okay tomorrow I’m getting my life together. I’m going to the gym, I’m going to eat better, I’m going to stop scrolling my phone” And then the next day comes, and somehow you don’t? You’re on your phone again, skipping the thing you said mattered, and now you’re sitting there wondering what is wrong with me? Why do I keep self-sabotaging? (like hello?? we had a plan??)
This is the moment most women make it mean something about themselves. That they lack discipline, that they’re inconsistent, that they just can’t follow through. But what if I told you self-sabotage isn’t actually the problem? 👀
What Self-Sabotage Actually Is (And Why You’ve Been Looking at It Wrong)
Let’s flip this on its head for a second. What we call “self-sabotage” is usually a moment where you’re choosing between two very real, very valid needs. On one side, you have your long-term self. The version of you who wants to feel healthy, grounded, regulated, and proud. And on the other side, you have your present self. The part of you that wants relief, excitement, comfort, curiosity… something that feels good right now.
So when you say, I should be reading… but instead you’re scrolling TikTok or Googling your new favorite show (don’t lie, you’ve done it)… you’re not failing. You’re choosing between long-term nourishment and immediate satisfaction.
And here’s the part no one tells you: both needs make sense.
Why the “I Should” Voice Is Making Everything Worse
Now let’s talk about that voice in your head. The one that says, I should be doing something better right now. That voice sounds productive, right? Like she’s trying to help. But what she’s actually doing is creating pressure without permission.
When your brain hears “should,” it doesn’t feel supported; it feels pushed. And when your nervous system feels pressure, especially when you’re already tired or overwhelmed, it naturally looks for relief. This is where your amygdala kicks in, interpreting that pressure as stress and nudging you toward the easiest, most comforting option available. Usually, your phone. Or snacks. Or anything that gives you a quick hit of dopamine.
So now you’re not choosing between reading and scrolling… you’re choosing between pressure and relief.
Of course you’re going to pick relief.
What Happens When You Start Making Intentional Choices
Here’s where everything changes. The goal is not to force yourself into the “better” choice every time. The goal is to make an intentional choice.
Instead of saying, I should be reading… and then mindlessly scrolling and feeling bad about it… you pause and ask yourself, what do I actually want right now? And then you answer honestly.
Maybe you say, you know what… I want to scroll. I want to relax. I want to zone out and enjoy this. Okay. Then choose that. Fully. Without guilt. Without making it mean something about you.
Or maybe you realize I actually want to feel good tomorrow. I want to wake up clear. I want to follow through for myself. And then you pick up your book.
Do you see the difference? One is autopilot followed by shame. The other is awareness followed by self-trust.
Why This Works (And Why It Changes More Than Just Your Habits)
This works because your nervous system experiences you as someone safe to be with. And that matters more than you think. In attachment theory, safety and consistency build secure attachment, not perfection. When your actions match your awareness, even in small ways, you begin to trust yourself again.
And that doesn’t just impact your habits; it impacts your relationships.
Because the same pattern shows up everywhere. Saying I should speak up… and then staying quiet. Saying I should walk away… and then going back. When you learn how to pause and make intentional choices in the small moments, you build the capacity to do it in the big ones too.
What It Feels Like to Practice This (Spoiler: It’s Not Perfect)
I will not pretend this feels amazing right away. At first, it can feel uncomfortable. You might notice how often you’ve been on autopilot. You might feel the urge to judge yourself even more (fun… I know). But if you stick with it, something really powerful happens.
You feel more in control… not because you’re forcing yourself, but because you’re actually choosing. There’s less of that “why did I just do that?” energy and more of a grounded, calm sense of okay… I chose this.
And honestly… that shift alone is everything.
The Real Benefit: Self-Trust Instead of Self-Judgment
The biggest benefit here isn’t that you suddenly become the most disciplined, consistent version of yourself overnight. It’s that you stop living in that constant loop of doing something and then shaming yourself for it afterwards.
You start building self-trust.
And when you trust yourself, everything changes. You show up differently. You communicate differently. You stop abandoning yourself in small ways that add up.
This is how you move from feeling stuck… to actually feeling aligned.
Try This Tonight (Yes, Literally Tonight)
So tonight, when you’re lying in bed and that voice comes in like, I should do something better right now… I want you to pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, what do I actually want right now? Not what makes you a better person. Not what you think you’re supposed to say.
What do you want?
And then choose it—on purpose—because the goal isn’t to control yourself. It’s learning how to work with yourself, and that’s where everything shifts. 🧡
