The Real Reason You Talk Too Much When You’re Nervous
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Why Do I Suddenly Start Talking in Circles When I Feel Uncomfortable?
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely drained and thought… why did I say all of that? You replay it in your head, cringe a little, and wish you could grab your words and shove them back into your mouth. If you’ve ever felt the urge to overexplain the second you sense tension, confusion, or silence, you’re not broken. You’re human. And there is a very real reason this happens that has nothing to do with being bad at communication.
Overexplaining Is Not About Talking… It’s About Safety
Here’s the part most people miss. Overexplaining is not actually about explaining anything. It’s about managing how you’re being perceived. When your nervous system senses even the tiniest threat to connection, a pause, a facial expression, a shift in tone, your body goes into protection mode. Talking becomes armor. Words become your seatbelt. You start giving extra context, extra emotion, extra justification, not because it’s helpful, but because silence feels unsafe. Research on attachment and nervous system responses shows that when we feel relational threat, our brain prioritizes safety over clarity, pushing us toward behaviors that once helped us stay connected earlier in life.
Why Questioning the Story Changes Everything
What makes this pattern so sticky is the story underneath it. The thing you think the other person is thinking about you is almost always the thing you secretly believe about yourself. If you’re late and suddenly explaining traffic, parking, coffee spills, and your entire morning, the real fear isn’t their judgment. It’s yours. Psychologists like Dan Siegel and Brené Brown have written extensively about how shame narratives drive our behavior long before we’re aware of them. When you pause and ask yourself what you’re afraid they think about you, you interrupt the pattern at the root instead of fighting it on the surface.
What It Feels Like to Practice This Instead
I won’t lie to you. Practicing this feels uncomfortable at first. When you stop overexplaining and simply say something clean like “Thanks for waiting,” your nervous system might scream at you to fix it, add more, soften it, defend yourself. That discomfort is not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign you’re rewiring. Over time, your body learns that nothing bad actually happens when you don’t perform for approval. The silence doesn’t swallow you. The connection doesn’t disappear. And that moment of discomfort starts to shrink.
The Real Benefits of Stopping the Spiral
When you stop overexplaining, your communication becomes clearer, calmer, and more grounded. You feel more present in your body. You trust yourself more. Other people actually understand you better because you’re not overwhelming the moment with fear-driven words. Studies on secure attachment show that clarity and emotional regulation are far more impactful for connection than excessive explanation. You stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to begin with, and conversations start to feel like collaboration instead of performance.
Try This the Next Time You Feel the Urge to Explain
The next time you feel that familiar rush, pause for just a breath and ask yourself what story you’re trying to outrun. Name it quietly. Question it gently. Then speak from truth instead of fear. You don’t need to earn your right to exist in a room. You don’t need to justify your worth with a five minute monologue. You are allowed to be clear, imperfect, and human… and still deeply connected.
If this resonates, sit with it this week. Notice the moments your nervous system wants to take the wheel. Get curious instead of critical. That curiosity is where real change begins 🧡
