What to Do When Someone in Your Life Feels Beyond Difficult
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Why Difficult People Aren’t Actually the Problem
Ever had someone in your life who just made your skin crawl... but you couldn’t quite explain why? Maybe it’s your partner, your boss, your mom, or even that friend who always seems to say the exact wrong thing at the worst possible moment. And you’re left wondering… is it them, is it me, or is it something deeper?
If you’ve ever spiraled trying to decode someone’s behavior or walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why do they make me feel so crazy?” welcome to the club. But here’s the good news: what if that difficult behavior isn’t about you at all?
Behavior Is Communication... Even When It’s Loud, Messy, or Makes You Want to Scream
Let’s start here: what we call “difficult” behavior is almost always a form of communication. Yup. Underneath the passive-aggressiveness, the shutdowns, the overreactions, or the total lack of reaction... something is being said. It just might not be in words.
And no, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for someone to treat you poorly but it does mean we can shift our lens. Instead of thinking “What’s wrong with them?” or “Why are they doing this to me?” we can ask: “What might they be trying to say?”
Researchers like Dr. Jessie Stern and clinical psychologists like Rachel Samson talk about this all the time. Whether it's a toddler tantrum or a full-grown adult meltdown, the behavior is usually driven by some combination of unmet needs, fear, or emotional dysregulation. It’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation. And that shift in thinking changes everything.
Why This Shift Works (and Why It’s So Dang Hard to Do)
Our nervous systems love stories... especially ones that make us the hero. So when someone lashes out, our brains go, “Cool, they’re the villain. Let’s protect ourselves.” But the real magic happens when we pause that story and get curious instead.
By seeing behavior as communication, we stay in our power instead of falling into defensiveness or people-pleasing. Plus, neuroscience is on our side: co-regulation and attunement (fancy words for slowing down and staying present) help calm both your nervous system and theirs. Basically, your calm can become contagious: in the best way.
What It Feels Like to Practice This (Spoiler: It’s Messy and Beautiful)
Okay, let’s be real. You won’t always feel zen when someone’s pushing your buttons. Practicing this lens doesn’t mean you magically become the Dalai Lama. What it does mean is you start building this little space between their reaction and your response.
At first, it might feel like holding in a sneeze. But over time, it starts to feel like relief. Like finally understanding that their mood isn’t your job to fix. Like realizing your sensitivity isn’t a flaw… it’s a signal. Like trusting yourself to respond instead of react.
And maybe even laughing later at how much calmer you stayed than you ever expected.
The Unexpected Superpower of Seeing Beneath the Surface
When you start viewing difficult behavior as communication, things shift. You stop personalizing everything. You regulate quicker. You respond with more confidence. And you begin to see the people around you—and yourself—with a lot more compassion.
This is especially powerful for those of us who are highly sensitive. (Raising my hand here.) HSPs pick up on everything, and that’s not a weakness. It’s a gift. But without proper boundaries and nervous system care, it can feel like walking around with no emotional skin. Understanding the science behind this helps you stop pathologizing yourself and start protecting your energy.
And the more you practice, the easier it gets. Not perfect. But easier.
Try This the Next Time You’re Triggered
The next time someone says something that makes your chest tighten or your blood boil... pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “What might be going on for them right now?” Then ask yourself, “What do I need to feel grounded in this moment?”
You’re not a mind-reader. But you are someone who gets to choose how you respond. That’s the power of this work. You can be compassionate without being a doormat. You can listen without absorbing. You can stay open without losing yourself.
So go dance it out (seriously, research shows it helps with regulation 💃), take your space, and come back to your power. You’ve got this.
