Parenting Through Divorce Without Losing Your Mind (or Your Identity)
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How Do You Show Up for Your Kids Without Losing Yourself?
Have you ever looked around at your life and thought... wait, when did I disappear? Like, who even am I anymore? Somewhere between the playdates, school drop-offs, post-divorce co-parenting calendars, and all the well-meaning “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” texts, you’ve quietly erased yourself. And here’s the kicker — you didn’t even notice it happening until it felt way too late.
If that sounds familiar, I want to pull you in close for this one. Because it’s time we talk about a truth that no one really says out loud: being a good mom does not mean sacrificing your whole identity. And just because you’re parenting through a divorce (or a major life transition) doesn’t mean your story ends here. Actually... it might just be the beginning.
The Myth of the Self-Sacrificing Mother
So many of us grew up with this unspoken message: real love means self-sacrifice. Especially if you’re a mom. And especially if you’re trying to “do it right” after a breakup. But here’s the problem — that kind of martyrdom might look noble on the outside, but on the inside? It erodes you. Slowly. Quietly. Until one day you wake up and realize you’ve abandoned yourself in the name of being there for everyone else.
Vivian Meraki (a brilliant parenting expert and somatic coach) calls this out beautifully. She talks about the moment we “start to disappear.” When we stop choosing the things that light us up. When our needs start feeling optional. When our entire schedule revolves around our kids... and we’re nowhere in it.
Why Modeling Matters More Than You Think
Here’s the wild part — when we disappear, our kids notice. Even when we think we’re doing everything right. I’ll never forget the story Vivian shared about asking her 4-year-old daughter to name one thing she loved about herself. Her daughter burst into tears. Couldn’t name a single thing. And Vivian realized... oh. She’s never seen me do that either.
What we model is just as important (if not more) than what we say. If our kids never see us celebrate ourselves, take space, pursue dreams, or even just choose the dinner we want... then what are we teaching them about their own worth? What are we passing down about what love is supposed to feel like?
Self-Compassion Is Not Selfish (It’s the Secret Sauce)
Let’s be real. Guilt is baked into parenting — especially for divorced moms. It’s not fair, but it’s true. So when we do something for us, there’s this little voice whispering, “You’re being selfish.” But here’s a better question: would you want your child to sacrifice their joy, their rest, their dreams... for someone else? No? Then why are you doing it?
Self-compassion is the antidote. And I love how Vivian says it — if divorce is a pressure cooker, self-compassion is the release valve. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect. It doesn’t mean we never miss a milestone or mess up dinner. It means we stop judging ourselves for being human. It means we show up as enough, even on the messy days.
What It Feels Like to Choose You
Honestly? At first, it feels weird. Clunky. Uncomfortable. You’ll probably doubt yourself. You’ll probably feel like a bad mom the first time you say “no” to that Saturday playdate so you can get a massage or go for a solo walk. But then... something shifts.
You start to feel more grounded. More energized. More you. You laugh more. You listen better. You stop snapping at bedtime. And you start realizing that being a great mom doesn’t come from burning out — it comes from showing up. Fully. Imperfectly. With your whole self intact.
You Are Not Starting Over. You’re Starting From Wisdom.
I need you to hear this... especially if you’re in your 40s or 50s and feeling like it’s too late. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. And you’re definitely not starting from scratch. You are starting from experience. From fire. From grit. From knowing who the hell you are.
When you model that to your kids? When you show them what it looks like to choose yourself with love and intention and grace? You change everything. For you. For them. For the whole generational line coming behind you.
Go Be Selfish, Girl (The Good Kind)
So here’s your permission slip... go be “selfish.” Make your favorite dinner. Brag on yourself. Tell your kids what you love about you. Let them see you prioritize your peace. Let them see you create joy that isn’t tied to anyone else’s needs.
That’s not selfish. That’s leadership. That’s love. That’s the kind of parent your kids will thank you for later. And it all starts with one brave choice... to stop disappearing.
Go make that choice today 💛
