The Hidden Link Between People Pleasing and Attachment Styles
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Are you constantly reading the room before you read yourself?
If you’ve ever walked into a room and instantly scanned everyone’s mood before checking in with your own... you might be people pleasing. I’m not talking about offering someone your last French fry or texting back right away because you’re thoughtful. I’m talking about the exhausting kind—the one where your body goes on high alert to keep the peace, even when your heart is begging you to speak up. 😩 Sound familiar?
Let’s talk about fawning: the people-pleasing trauma response
We hear a lot about fight, flight, or freeze—but there’s a fourth trauma response that doesn’t get nearly enough airtime: fawn. Fawning is what happens when our nervous system decides that the safest thing to do is to make ourselves small, agreeable, and pleasing in order to avoid conflict or danger. It’s basically a full-body YES when your inner voice is screaming NO. What’s wild is that this response isn’t just a habit... it’s physiological. It’s baked into the nervous system, and for many of us, it started in childhood as a way to survive environments where being honest or emotional didn’t feel safe.
Why it works... until it doesn’t
Fawning “works” because it keeps you safe. Your body learned that being liked and agreeable reduced the risk of abandonment or harm. But the problem is... it’s exhausting. And confusing. Because even when you’re doing everything “right,” your relationships still fall apart or feel unsatisfying. You’re stuck giving your best energy to people who wouldn’t know the real you if she walked in the door wearing a name tag. And the worst part? You might not even know what the real you needs anymore.
How it feels to unlearn people pleasing
Okay... deep breath. When you start to unravel your fawning patterns, it’s kind of like pulling off a costume you forgot you were wearing. At first, it feels naked. Uncomfortable. Even a little scary. You might start saying things like “Actually, I don’t want to go,” or “That didn’t feel okay to me,” and your nervous system might freak out. Expect some pushback—from yourself and maybe from others. But also... expect relief. Expect moments where you breathe deeper. Laugh louder. Rest without guilt. That’s your nervous system realizing it doesn’t have to stay on high alert anymore.
The real magic: safety and sisterhood
Here’s what no one tells you: healing people pleasing isn’t about becoming more assertive. It’s about becoming more safe—in your body, in your boundaries, and in your relationships. When you learn to tune into your own needs first and create internal safety, everything shifts. And one of the most underrated secrets to this process? Sisterhood. Yep, real connection with other women who get it. Because when you surround yourself with people who reflect your worth without requiring performance, your nervous system starts to believe it too. 💖
Ready to start choosing yourself?
If you’re feeling called out... good. That means something inside of you is waking up. You don’t have to keep performing for love. You don’t have to keep saying yes when your soul is screaming no. And you definitely don’t have to do it alone. Healing people pleasing is a journey, but it’s one that leads to real, lasting connection—with yourself and with the people who are truly safe to love you back.
Go ahead... take off the costume. You’re safe here. And the real you? She’s so worth showing up for.
Want to go deeper into healing your people pleasing?
If this topic lit something up inside you, you have to join the Understanding People Pleasing Summit happening May 20th. I’m one of the featured speakers (eek!) and it’s packed with powerful conversations from over 30 experts diving into trauma, attachment, nervous system regulation, and how to stop abandoning yourself for approval.
It’s totally free. It’s packed with real support. And it’s designed to help you feel seen, safe, and strong in your relationships again.
✨ Sign up right here and get in for FREE: Grab Your FREE Ticket!
I’ll see you there 💛
