Pulling Close, Pushing Away, and Saying Things You Regret | The Disorganized Attachment Communication Pattern
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Have you ever texted someone you adore “I miss you so much, come over,” and then sent “Actually, I’m exhausted, never mind” forty minutes later? The same woman wrote both messages, on the same night, from the same couch, and both of them were true. (If your thumbs could talk, they would ask for a raise.) So many of the brilliant, capable women I coach live inside this loop. They run meetings, handle emergencies, and keep whole teams afloat, then one quiet moment of closeness at home sends their body into a confusing tug of war.
This pattern has a name, and once you hear it, a lot of puzzling moments start clicking into place. Disorganized attachment can feel like driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake, with the engine roaring, energy burning, and the car barely moving. (Also, something smells like it’s on fire.) So grab a cozy drink and get comfy with me, since we’re about to get gentle and curious about the push pull, the sudden flip, and the bracing that so often travel together 🧡
What Is Disorganized Attachment? The “Come Here, Go Away” Pattern
Researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon first described disorganized attachment after noticing some little ones who didn’t fit the other attachment patterns. These children would move toward a caregiver, then freeze, or turn away mid step. Their behavior makes heartbreaking sense once you realize the person who was supposed to be safe was also, at times, the scary one. A tiny body received two instructions at once — go toward them and get away from them — and it tried its very best to follow both.
Grown up, that double instruction leaks into how we talk. Maybe you ask for a deep conversation and then pick a fight the second it actually gets deep. Perhaps there’s a text you write, delete, rewrite, and delete again (the drafts folder deserves hazard pay). Conflict can flip from a calm chat about who forgot to call the plumber into yelling, or into a blank, underwater fog where every word vanishes. Underneath it all, a habit of bracing often hums along, so a partner who is simply quiet at dinner instantly reads as “he’s done with me.”
Why Naming Both Parts Helps Your Nervous System Settle
Psychologist Donald Hebb gave us a phrase that Louis Cozolino and so many neuroscientists love to repeat, which is that neurons that fire together, wire together. If a raised voice and danger fired together enough times in childhood, your body paved that pathway into a superhighway. A certain tone at the kitchen table today simply sends your system down the quickest road it knows. This response was learned, and anything learned can be relearned with enough gentle repetition.
Naming what is happening gives your nervous system a brand new road to travel. A sentence like “Part of me really wants to be close to you tonight, and part of me is scared, can we go slow?” lets your partner meet both of you, so nobody has to chase whichever version showed up last. Asking yourself “Is this happening now, or is this old?” works the same magic, pulling your attention back into the room where the actual evidence lives. Each of these little moves tells an ancient alarm system that someone is finally at the wheel... and over time, that alarm learns to trust the driver.
What It Feels Like to Practice Push Pull Repair
The first few tries usually feel a little wobbly. Saying both parts out loud might bring heat to your face, a buzzing in your chest, or a sudden urge to crack a joke and change the subject. (Your nervous system is basically meeting a stranger named Vulnerability and checking her ID at the door.) Those sensations are gorgeous information, and they double as your early warning signs, the heat and the buzz and the fog that rolls in right before you go offline.
The plan works best when you build it while everyone is calm. Pick a pause word with your partner over coffee on a sleepy Sunday, then practice grounding by pressing your feet into the floor and naming five things you can see. When the fog does roll in, a sentence like “I’m starting to go blank, this conversation matters to me, and my body needs ten minutes to come back” becomes a lifeline. That pause might feel clunky at first, and then one day it feels like the first full breath you’ve taken in ages.
The Benefits of Healing Disorganized Attachment Communication
When the flip slows down, conversations finally get to finish... and wow, does that feel good. The plumber gets called, the hurt gets repaired, and conflict starts to feel like two teammates sorting out a puzzle at the kitchen table. Your partner gets to set down the eggshells and meet the whole you, the part reaching out and the part feeling scared, with clear information about what you need.
Researchers call this earned security, the shift from an adapted attachment pattern toward a secure one, and it happens for grown women all the time. Trusting yourself in love becomes possible, and that heavy “why am I like this?” shame begins to loosen its grip. Bracing for betrayal is a lot like reading the last page of a book first so the ending can’t surprise you, and earned security lets you enjoy the whole story. Checking in starts to replace testing, so you can turn to your partner and say “I’m noticing I’m expecting the worst right now, can you help me check what’s actually going on between us?” 💛
Start Rewiring Your Push Pull Pattern Today
Three tiny practices are enough to begin. Name both parts out loud, get familiar with the early warning signs your body sends before the flip, and ask yourself whether this moment is happening now or echoing something old. Start with whichever one feels the least scary (tiny steps absolutely count, and so does trying again on Tuesday after a messy Monday).
Your body learned to brace for a really good reason, and it can learn to rest too. What got wired can get rewired, one slow, regulated, beautifully brave moment at a time. So the next time your foot hits the gas and the brake together, take a breath, plant your feet, and let both parts of you have a voice ✨
