Is This My Intuition or My Attachment Style Acting Up?
Want to listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify? Click on the SHARE (next to more info) option below and Enjoy!
Have you ever left a date or a relationship feeling unsettled? Not devastated. Not crying in your car. Just… off. And then your brain jumps in like, ok great, let’s think about this nonstop. Was that intuition? Or was anxious attachment showing up with a clipboard and a megaphone?
If you’re self-aware and you’ve done work on yourself, this question can be especially annoying. Because you thought you were past this. And yet here you are, Googling feelings again.
Intuition and Anxious Attachment Are Not the Same Thing
These two get confused all the time, so let’s make this simple.
Anxious attachment is loud and urgent. It wants answers immediately. It sounds like I need to know right now if this is going somewhere or I will not be ok. There’s pressure. There’s spiraling. There’s usually a strong urge to either cling harder or end it dramatically so your nervous system can calm down.
Intuition is quieter. It doesn’t rush you. It doesn’t demand action. It’s more like a calm internal nudge that says something here isn’t lining up yet. No panic. No fireworks. Just information.
Here’s a helpful rule of thumb. If you feel like you have to break up tomorrow just to feel regulated, that’s anxious attachment. If you can slow down, stay present, and gather more information, that’s intuition doing its job.
What Secure Attachment Actually Feels Like
Secure attachment is wildly misunderstood. It does not mean you’re calm all the time. It does not mean nothing ever activates you. And it definitely does not mean you never question a relationship.
Secure attachment is your ability to stay connected to yourself when something feels off.
It looks like noticing I feel unsettled without immediately deciding you’re broken or backsliding. It’s having enough internal safety to pause instead of spiral. Enough space to watch patterns instead of explaining them away. Enough grounding to say let me see how this unfolds instead of forcing yourself to stay or forcing yourself to leave.
Attachment research supports this. Early work by Mary Ainsworth and later research by Phillip Shaver show that secure attachment is about flexibility and reflection, not emotional perfection. Secure people still get activated. They just don’t abandon themselves when it happens.
Why Curiosity Beats Self Shaming Every Time
This is where most people lose themselves.
Anxious attachment shows up and the inner critic immediately grabs the mic. Why am I like this? I thought I healed this. What is wrong with me? And suddenly you’re not listening to your body anymore, you’re arguing with it.
Judgment shuts everything down. Shame makes you smaller. It convinces you to override your instincts so you don’t have to feel like you messed up.
Curiosity sounds very different. Curiosity says interesting, something in this dynamic is affecting me. It keeps you in relationship with yourself instead of turning on yourself.
There’s science here too. Research in affective neuroscience, including Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, shows that when your nervous system feels safer, you have better access to clarity and discernment. Translation, shaming yourself makes everything harder. Being curious makes you smarter.
What Happens When You Stop Spiraling and Start Observing
When you lead with curiosity instead of panic, things slow down. You feel less rushed. You stop trying to solve the relationship immediately. You give yourself permission to gather information instead of forcing certainty.
You might notice you’re overfunctioning and giving too much too early. You might realize you haven’t communicated your needs clearly. Or you might see that something truly isn’t aligned and feel calm walking away instead of dramatic about it.
Either way, you’re making decisions from clarity instead of fear, which is kind of the whole point.
Try This the Next Time You Feel Off
The next time that unsettled feeling shows up, pause and ask yourself one question.
“Do I feel like I need to decide right now, or can I stay curious a little longer?”
If you can slow down and understand why you want to leave, that’s intuition. If you feel like you have to leave immediately just to calm your body, that’s anxious attachment asking for regulation.
Your body isn’t the enemy. It’s just communicating. You don’t have to silence it. You just have to listen without letting it run the show.
And honestly… that’s a skill worth practicing 💛
