People with a disorganized attachment style often perceive themselves as being adept in relationships, believing they handle boundaries and emotional availability effectively. However, these perceptions can be misleading. The reality is that your responses might be more reactive than proactive, stemming from deep-seated fears and past traumas rather than a balanced understanding of the present situation. For example, you might think you are setting boundaries effectively, but in fact, you may be reacting abruptly—going from zero to sixty—without recognizing the need for smaller, more consistent limits.

In the dance of disorganized attachment, the steps are often unpredictable. You may quickly set a rigid boundary following a conflict, which seems like a strong stance at the moment. But then, regretting the distance this creates, you might swing back with intense closeness, driven by anxiety. This back-and-forth can create confusion and instability, not just for you but also for your partners, as they struggle to understand and adapt to these swift changes.