Stop Shoulding Your Grief
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Are you still grieving… and secretly telling yourself you “should” be over it by now?
If that question made your chest tighten, you’re not alone. So many of us carry this invisible pressure that grief comes with an expiration date. We whisper to ourselves, “I should have moved on… I should be stronger… I should be past this already.” But here’s the truth… grief doesn’t work on your timeline, your friend’s timeline, or society’s neat little boxes of how long you’re allowed to cry. Grief has its own rhythm, and it deserves respect instead of shame.
The trap of “shoulding”
When we load up on “shoulds,” we’re basically layering guilt on top of pain. And pain plus guilt is a recipe for exhaustion. Instead of healing, you end up spinning in shame. “I should be dating again” or “I should stop crying when I think of them” becomes this broken record in your head. And all it does is shut down your ability to feel and process what’s actually happening.
Why ditching “should” actually works
The reason “stop shoulding” is so powerful is because it removes the extra weight you’re piling on your own heart. Grief is already heavy. Science even shows that grief impacts the body like stress does, raising cortisol and literally draining your energy (Harvard Health, 2021). When you stop adding “shoulds” into the mix, your nervous system gets the signal that it’s safe to soften… to just be. And that’s when the healing space opens up.
What it feels like when you stop shoulding
At first it might feel strange, almost like you’re breaking some unspoken rule. Imagine catching yourself mid-thought “I should be over this” and replacing it with “It’s okay that I still miss them.” Relief, right? There’s a tenderness that creeps in when you give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. Expect waves. Some days you’ll laugh, some days you’ll ugly cry in the grocery store. Both are normal. Both belong.
The benefits of letting grief breathe
When you drop the “shoulds,” grief becomes less of a bully and more of a companion. You get to honor the love, the memories, the mornings with coffee that will always matter. You may even find new purpose in telling your story, joining a support group, or advocating for others who are walking the same path. Instead of shutting grief down, you create space for connection, compassion, and eventually, forward movement. Not moving on… but moving forward. Big difference.
Give yourself this gift
So here’s my encouragement for you today… stop shoulding on yourself. Grief is messy, nonlinear, and deeply human. The more you let it breathe, the more it transforms from suffocating to sacred. Next time you hear that voice in your head whisper “you should be past this,” pause… smile… and remind yourself that your timeline is yours. Healing isn’t about erasing love. It’s about learning to carry it differently. 🧡
