Why He Never Listens (and What to Do About It)
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Do you ever feel like you’re talking and talking, but no one is actually listening?
You’re mid-sentence, baring your heart, and suddenly he cuts in with his “solution.” Or he nods along but clearly didn’t catch half of what you said. And before you know it, your body is screaming, your voice is raised, and you’re left with that awful pit of regret after you’ve snapped. Sound familiar? You’re not alone, my friend.
The real reason we blow up
Here’s the thing. Most of the time, those explosions have less to do with what’s happening in the moment and more to do with what’s stored inside us. When we feel ignored or misunderstood, our bodies can re-ignite old wounds of being silenced or dismissed in the past. That tight throat, the stomach drop, the rush of heat... that’s your nervous system remembering. The blow-up isn’t really about him not listening, it’s about the younger version of you who never felt heard.
Why this insight actually works
When you realize the fight isn’t just about the dishes or him interrupting your story, something powerful happens. Instead of trying to fix him, you start paying attention to what’s going on inside of you. That shift creates space. And when we create space, we get to respond instead of react. Neuroscience backs this up too: when you pause and notice your body, you calm down the amygdala (the fight-or-flight part of the brain) and give your prefrontal cortex a chance to step in (Goleman, 2011). That’s when you access wisdom instead of just survival mode.
What it feels like to practice this
At first, it feels clunky and frustrating. You’ll want to yell, but instead you take a breath, or step away, or say, “I need a minute.” It might feel awkward to announce a pause mid-conversation... like you’re breaking some invisible rule. But the more you do it, the more you’ll notice how much calmer your body feels. Your throat won’t feel so tight. Your stomach won’t be in knots. And you’ll come back to the conversation with more clarity and less fire.
The benefits of slowing down instead of blowing up
When you start regulating instead of raging, everything changes. You stop cycling through guilt and shame after every argument. You actually feel heard because you’re communicating from a calmer place, not shouting over the noise. Your partner has a better chance to understand you instead of just defending himself. And most importantly, you begin to rewrite that old story in your body... the one that says “I don’t matter, no one listens to me.” You start proving to yourself that you are worth listening to.
Ready to try it?
Here’s my challenge to you: next time you feel the fire rising, pause. Notice your body. Give yourself permission to step away if you need to. And when you come back, try saying it in a calmer tone. It won’t be perfect right away, but every time you choose to slow down instead of blow up, you’re practicing a whole new way of being heard. And let me tell you... that feels like freedom.
